Identity Crisis - Who am I?

I'm afraid I'm living a lie.
At dinner the other night, a new work friend was asking what pizza I wanted to order.  I panicked.  Do I tell her I'm a vegan? Do I cave and eat cheese? Do I tell her that I'm having this internal dialogue about my struggles as a vegan?  "Since I'm vegetarian during this business trip, I am happy with a veggie pizza."  She seemed relieved, "Oh good.  At least you're not one of those 'fegans' who brag about being vegan and then turn around and stuff their face with KitKats." "'Fegans?'"  "Fake vegans."  Crap.
I want to define myself as a vegan and pride myself on being disciplined and determined to help animals, the earth, and my health.  Unfortunately, trying to label myself as one thing has actually left me feeling guilty, isolated, and cornered.  I have boxed myself into the strict confines of a diet that are unyielding, unconventional, and disciplinary.
GUILT: I feel guilty saying one thing and acting another way.  One moment I'm declaring the benefits of being vegan - the next moment I'm eating ice cream.  Apparently I feel guiltier about lying to people than I do about eating animal products.  But you know what?  I'm not completely reckless with my eating decisions.  I consciously choose high quality ingredients that are often organic, local, and humane.
ISOLATION:  How many vegans do you know?  I can think of 1 friend and 1 colleague who consider themselves vegan.  Research shows that you're more successful in completing your goal if you have a support group or accountability partner (ie. my cousin Shannon who did the experiment with me).  I don't have a vegan friend group.  In fact, most of my friends encourage me to eat whatever I want and quit "that vegan nonsense."
CORNERED:  When going out to eat, I usually have 2 options that I can order as vegan.  My dinner companions sometimes spend extra time researching restaurants to make sure I can eat there.  I feel like such an inconvenience and annoyance.  While I have vegan tendencies and refuse to cook my own meat, I cannot describe myself as a vegan any longer.  By doing so I feel like I'm lying to people and missing out on some pleasures in life.

Vegans do not eat animal products.  I occasionally eat animal products.  Therefore, I am not vegan.  

In rare situations I eat meat.  Therefore, I am not even vegetarian.

This I can safely say: I eat a plant-based diet.  Therefore, I am flexitarian.  (There I go defining myself again!)

While I don't want to completely abandon my healthy eating habits and dive into vats of ice cream, cookie dough batter, and goat cheese, I will make a reasonable effort to eat kindly...

Kind to the environment: local, organic, mostly plants

Kind to animals: free-range, organic, grass-fed, small farms, antibiotic/hormone-free

Kind to my body: organic, antibiotic/hormone-free, mostly plants, minimal intake, less sugar

This "kind eater" is going to learn about balance, pleasure, health, moderation, acceptance, and self-love.  Wish me luck!

You win some - you lose some

I recently discovered the blog Love Veggies & Yoga and felt inspired this morning to try her "banana oat cake" for breakfast.  All it contains is a ripe banana, 1/2 c oats, vanilla, chia seeds, cinnamon, and peanut butter spread on top after microwaving for 2.5 minutes.  WIN!

Then while I was at my favorite hangout, Target, I felt inspired to mesh one of her other recipes for cake truffles with my go-to pumpkin muffincake recipe.  I made the muffincake recipe (Devil's Food Cake mix + can of pumpkin), plopped lil balls of the gooey batter on a plate, let them "harden" in the freezer, and then dipped them in melted chocolate chips.  The whole process was much messier and difficult than I had imagined...I only made 11.  Plus, I'm not even sure they're that tasty...I'll await the roomie's verdict.  FAIL!

What did I do with the leftover batter?  Reverted to my comfort zone.  MMMM.  Pumpkin muffincakes with chocolate chips.  WIN!

Very grateful

I've had the pleasure to enjoy the Bay Area chain restaurant Cafe Gratitude a couple times.  It's an incredible feeling to read the menu and know that I can eat ANYTHING on it!  They specialize in organic gourmet vegan foods with plenty of raw food options.

Steph displaying her yummy lunch at Google's "Long Life Cafe"

My WI friend Steph visited me in CA and indicated that she has recently adopted the vegan lifestyle for health reasons!  She even eats 70% raw and LOVES it.  Not only did she appreciate all the vegan options at the Google cafeterias, she was excited to try the Cafe Gratitude in the Cupertino Whole Foods for dinner.  We ordered the "I am Cheerful" and "I am Elated," which translates to "pumpkin seed and walnut burger" and "raw mushroom and chipotle enchilada."  We also indulged in the chocolate hazelnut mousse pie.

"I am Cheerful" and "I am Elated"

Being the fun, adventurous ladies we are, we asked for our order "to-go" and drove to the beach in Santa Cruz for a raw picnic at sunset.  It was an incredibly enjoyable dining experience, and the food was quite tasty!

Natural Bridges State Park

Veggies + Flavor = Dinner

Have some extra veggies lounging around the house - poised and waiting for action?  Just add flavor, and you've got yourself a scrumptious meal!  For me, I recently had onion, zucchini, eggplant, mushrooms, and spinach begging for the spotlight.  After a little sauteeing action with garlic, I mixed in the rest of an open jar of Newman's Own fire roasted tomato and garlic sauce.  The result was delicious!  You could add to pasta or bread, but I love it alone.

Pizza cravings

On vacation my mom asked me what 2 foods I would eat if I were stranded on an island forever.  What does this vegan say?  My knee-jerk childhood answer: "Pizza & ice cream!"  Fortunately, those can both be made vegan.  I make my pizza with whole wheat flatbread, slathered in flavorful tomato sauce, sauteed veggies, and red pepper flakes.

Where is the crust??  Thanks for the homemade red pepper flakes, Mom!

As for my ice cream fix, I blend frozen bananas and mix in chia seeds, cinnamon, peanut butter, and dark chocolate chips.  Haven't tried it yet?  You have to!  It's AMAZING.  mmmm!

Virgin Island eats

What does a vegan eat in St. Thomas?  Veggie Roti (chickpea curry burrito pictured above) and funghi (cornmeal & okra)!  This vegan also concocted other dishes for her family...

Whole wheat couscous with black beans, sauteed mushrooms & onions, avocados, and salsa.

daily fruit salad

Know what else is vegan?  BOOZE.

However, I morally cannot allow myself to post this without mentioning a few missteps: fresh seared black tuna, coconut shrimp, pulled BBQ pork sandwich...and...Jason's Atomic Hot Dog.  I was only a human on vacation!  Forgive me!

Day 7 - SPP Cleanse

GO PACKERS!!!

I have reached a realization.  This SPP Cleanse is annoying and ineffective.  I am normally a healthy eater with a fully functioning body that cleanses itself.  My sugar intake has been reasonable, I haven't been drinking much alcohol, there are no animal products clogging my digestive system, I have no food allergies, so I'm already relatively clean!

Compromise:
Since I already have the supplemental powders and can appreciate the occasional cleanse, I will do a 7-day cleanse every other month or so.  I have to admit, my energy levels have been dipping this week and I feel slightly fragile...like I'm not running on all cylinders. I want to feel like my normal healthy strong vegan self! :-)  This was my 7th day of this cleanse, so I will proceed with my clean slate to continue eating yummy vegan foods in moderation and enjoying life with my friends!

Eating Journal:
-smoothie (apple, banana, blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, spinach, carrot, flaxseed oil)
-fruit samples at farmers markets
-curried vegetables with brown rice
-a lot of guacamole & salsa with celery and rice crackers
-dragonfruit and yuzu

Day 6 - SPP Cleanse

My delicious breakfast!

Dragonfruit from SF Chinatown (Thanks Azeem!)

Eating Journal:
-smoothie (apple, banana, kiwi, blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, spinach, carrot)
-leftover brown rice, green beans, onions
-dragonfruit
-4 baked lentil crisps with salsa
-same smoothie
-curried vegetable soup (eggplant, sweet potato, zucchini, mushrooms, onion, garlic, curry, cinnamon)